50 Demands

1. Cable Television
2. One George Foreman grill. Complete with deluxe spatula set.
3. A fully trained German shepherd, capable of performing highly tactical manuevers.
4. The complete literary work of one Augustus Junior Swath
5. A sectional sofa, made of mahogany with maple handles and lining. Cusions will be formed out of granite. Nobody will sit on this sofa. Nobody will see this sofa.
6. A triangular coffee table.
7. An empty warehouse located on the eastern coast of Iceland. Beside the warehouse will be a stable, containing one horse of your choosing. Also, a herd of sheep.
8. A HAM radio capable of transmitting within 5000 miles of its origin.
9. Pair of moon-bounce shoes.
10. A wall-sized poster containing information on every star constellation.
11. A bronze statue molded in the shape of a Volvo automobile.
12. Fully funtioning fog machine.
13. A 13x14 foot box, 5 feet deep. It will be filled with plans of various industrial parks. It will be secured with a lock, and only two copies of the key will be made. The box will then be dropped into the pacific ocean where it will sink to the bottom.
14. A 45 minute time slot on PBS every afternoon.
15. One Marshall guitar amplifier to be placed in every room across America.
16. Beer.
17. Pens that never run out of ink, and also play classical music when you write with them.
18. The float of last year's Rose parade winner. I will keep it for my own use, and the runner-up float will be raffled off.
19. The current executive administration to be put on trial for failure to pay all outstanding parking tickets.
20. The Book of Revelations will be re-written. This time it will have a happy ending.
21. An ad to be placed in all major newspapers for a used Ford Taurus on sale outside a Dairy Queen.
22. Thirteen suits tailored from the wool of the Icelandid sheep.
23. Fifteen cans of motor oil.
24. A major motorway to be constructed, connecting California to Alaska.
25. Montana will be placed in a large protective bubble. Nothing in, nothing out.
26. Every morning a duffle-bag will be left on my doorstep. That same duffle-bag will be picked up that evening from my doorstep. It is never to be opened or tampered with.
27. Free admission to the San Diego Sea World.
28. Ten acres of land for farming purposes.
29. A large gun rack.
30. Complete musical works of every band to come out of Denmark's street punk scene.
31. Mark E. Smith's phone number and e-mail.
32. All future business offices are to be designed with the Captain's deck of the U.S.S. Enterprise as the base model.
33. Full and complete access to the Hubble telescope.
34. A Pilot's license.
35. A car phone.
36. Resurrection of the once lost "Cammule", which will be born again under the piercing glance of the pale moonlight.
37. All tax fraud charges against Wesley Snipes are to be dropped.
38. A week's supply of canned cheese, pre-applied to crackers for convenient use.
39. The key to the city of Boise.
40. An expansion of the American railroad system.
41. Donate all land 5 miles within the American-Canadian border to Canada. Then annex Vancouver.
42. Doppler radar will be given the title of "Most important technological advancement of the last millenium".
43. Medians on all major highways will be decorated with lawn gnomes, giving a much needed boost to the lawn gnome industry.
44. A truly never ending pasta bowl.
45. Large format photography will become the standard for common use, even family snapshots. Digital photography will become indicative of the eccentric artist.
46. Congress will be outsourced.
47. Leash-laws of pets will be repealed in the city of Savannah. Savannah will be renamed to "Animal City".
48. The Freemasonry temple on 16th street will be converted into the Cat Fighting Raccoon embassy.
49. All spiders will be implanted with tracking devices so that I may be aware of their presence, and avoid them in an increasingly successful fashion.
50. Deion Sanders will be striken from history books, and nobody will acknowledge his continued existence.